Marriage Will

Susie was very sincere when she solemnly declared her wedding vows before God and her groom. She intended to love, honor and cherish with all of her heart. But somewhere along the way—too quickly, really—unkind words were said, frustrations arose, hopes were dashed and expectations turned into selfish demands.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, the Enemy brought accusations to accompany these things. He hurled hurtful words like: “You should have never married him. It was a big mistake. He doesn’t love you anymore. You won’t ever get your needs met.” Satanic words that pierced like sniper gunfire into Susie’s heart. And before she knew it, her will in asserting the faith that her marriage would thrive became weak.

Like Susie, I’ve been at this place more often than I would like to admit, especially early in our marriage. I had such high expectations. And those expectations set us up for many arguments.

I would say things to Dick, my husband, like, “Why should I have sex with you? You aren’t meeting my emotional needs! You should lead more spiritually. You should be more romantic!” (Those nasty shoulds!) This road led me to being vindictive, revengeful and stubborn. The result was that I really didn’t like my husband and certainly didn’t like myself.

“I will love. I will have joy and peace. I will be patient and kind.”

Through many sincere prayers, I realized this isn’t who I wanted to be and it sure wasn’t who God wanted me to be! As a result, my marriage wasn’t what God wanted either. God showed me that I am accountable for my own actions—regardless of what Dick does or does not do!

From that point on, I made the decision to live by the fruit of the Spirit, to daily make choices for my marriage: “I will love. I will have joy and peace. I will be patient and kind.”

Not surprisingly, I came up against two major roadblocks on that journey to changing and growing my marriage into a healthy one. The first roadblock was that while I could choose to do the right thing, I often really, really did not want to do it!

When my son was about six years old, he would usually say at chore time, “Mama, I can’t want to do it!” He could not make himself want to pick up all those toys! Honestly, I related to this statement in so many ways. For example, “Honey, I just can’t want to have sex tonight.” “God, I can’t want to keep my mouth shut right now.” “I know I’m right and he’s wrong. I can’t want to not correct him in front of our friends.” Back then, my selfish desires usually led me to acting on them like I was six years old too.

So what do you do when you just “can’t want to”?

Dying to selfish desires is a necessary, albeit painful, process of a mature marriage. I wish it weren’t! Oh, to live in a Disney princess movie where all my whims and wishes are granted. But the truth is, my marriage is the primary part of my life where God chooses to mold me into His image … and He uses my husband as the chisel.

I frequently marvel that God has allowed me such a powerful will.

The second major roadblock had to do with my will. Our wills are amazing things. I frequently marvel that God has allowed me such a powerful will. You see, we can make choices that are actually self-determinations and not God-determinations. This is where you attempt to summon up all your own willpower, with very good intentions, to force yourself to “be good” or “do better.”

A great example of this can be seen in Isaiah 14:13–14 when Satan attempted to use his will to overthrow Almighty God from His throne. Can you imagine? The audacity of Lucifer to “will” himself to be above God, to exalt himself, to ascend to a higher place than God or to believe he could will himself to be like the Most High God. What chutzpah! What stupidity!

And yet, I catch myself in very similar ways, taking things into my own impatient hands—making negative, independent decisions and inner vows that become written on my heart like a branding iron. Decisions like: “He won’t change, so I won’t either.” “I’ll make him pay for that!” “I’m not going to talk to him at all today and see how he likes it!”

There are even declarations I make that seem to be positive: “I will have patience and gentleness every time he messes up.” “I will never say a negative, critical word again. I promise, Lord!” Then sadly, ten minutes later, my self-determination falls apart, and I start the whole “beat myself up” cycle of failure.

The removal of this roadblock has come from learning to yield my will to God’s will. I get in agreement with Him and His Word, and out of that, I make determinations, vows and declarations of my heart.

Jesus, of course, is our example. In the Garden of Gethsemane, He said to His Father, “Not my will, but Yours, be done” (Luke 22:42). This is exactly the opposite of Lucifer’s willful ways!

Removing these two roadblocks has allowed my 37-year marriage (and counting) to sincerely and genuinely be a beautiful, loving and passionate trip down the highway of life. When I submitted and allowed myself to be led by the Holy Spirit, I was filled with His Spirit, empowered by His love and, with my husband, able to accomplish God’s will on earth as it is in heaven. And I definitely want heaven in my marriage!